nearly a year on...

This is a letter i wrote to Tom tonight. its quite long...

heya Darling,
One year Sunday,
Crazy that.
So much has happened uet i still remember that friday as if it was yesterday. We were all in maths when someone came up and told Mr.Mayne that there was an extended break becasue of an emergency staff meeting. By the time the words were out of their mouth i knew. I said to Tilly who was sitting next to me. I know what it is, i don't want it to be it but it is and she said it was proabably something to do with Mr.Simpson leaving, i said it couldnt be because none of the staff knew about it. When the bell went dor the kreak think there was only one thing on my mind, i needed to find sarah. She was a prefect, she would know what was happening she would be able to confirm my fears or tell me that it was all in my head. O remember bumping into smee, i was in floods of tears by this point and almost hysterics, i needed to know what was going on. When the bell went i went down to Art. I could tell as soon as i saw MrYates that my fears were right. He told us to go in and not to take our folders out, he would talk to us as a class. When everyone was in he said we had to sit and when the three bells went we were to head down to the hall and sit as a class.. Balls to that. When the three bells went, yeah we all headed to the hall but we didnt sit as a class, i don't know who was siting on one side of me but on the other was my music man, Mrs Ross was the one to address us all. I can't remember what she said exactly but it went along the lines of "you were in his year group, you should be the first to know" and "passed away" i was already in tears and so were quite a few others who had worked out what ha happened before we were told. But as soon as she said the words "passed away" it was like someone had put a blanket over everyone. Everyone was in floods, well almost everyone, Mrs Ross told all to hold hands before she actually told us. I'm so grateful that mm was there, he didnt cry either he just held my hand and then when we all stood up he gave me a huge hug.. Then i took a deep breath and went back to art. When the few people who came back to art arrived back Mr yates was asking if he could do anything, if there was anyone we wanted to see, he asked me if i wanted to go see my sister, i did want to see my sister, just not the one he was refering to. I wanted to see sarah, i wanted to see her more than anything. I asked if i could go and he let me.. I went to find her and at first i couldn't find her and i can't remember when i did but all i wanted to give her the biggest hug of all time. After i had found her amd that, my thoughts turned to squirt, she loved you babe, she really did. First sarah and i went outside and sat in the rain with everyone else. when the bell went for lunch they still hadnt told her. i went inside and when i saw her... i dont remember what was said but it was said all the same. It was horrible she practically collasped. o fe;t so bad for her. I think it was at that point that i took another deep breath and put my own emotions to one side, everyone else needed me more than i did. So i started going around everyone, tears still spilling down my cheeks telling everyone it was going to be ok. At one point i turned to TIlly and realised she was doing exactly the same thing. With a grim smile an da quicl hug we parted and continued in our attempts to regain control on a completely helpless situation. When i walked up the stair for third period the school seemed threateningly quiet, a lot of people had gone home. i got to french and there was 6 people in my class. I sat in my seat and blankly copied vocabulary. About ten minutes into the lesson Rachael left, i finished my vocab so i started to draw. I drew the faces of people i didnt know but knew how i felt. when i was finished i dated it and added fresh tears to the ones that i had drawn on the page. Then it was lunch, i cant really remember doing much apart from what ive already said, so there isnt much point in trying to tell you about an hour i cant remember. Then i went to RE, probably the best thing to happen to me all day. Mr Thomson talked to us, about you, about grief, about the people that hardly knew you yet had gone home. It was at that point that i knew that the people that cared, like really cared had stayed or come back. Because who wants to be at home crying on your own when you have your friends at school that cared about you. I was there, Christine was there. She was so brave that day, i cant describe it. how she managed it i dont know it was incredible, she still is. Thatsall i cared about being at school with the people that knew you. After RE i had history. By this point i was no longer visably upset, that was totallyat the back of my mind by now, i needed to concentrate on making everyone else smile. So i bounced into history and asked what we were doing that day. And it was cally at that point that i will never forget she said "Emily, how do you do it? you bounce back and make everyone around you feel better" what she said will stay with me for a long time. It made me want to help even more. That lesson we didnt do very much, we played hangman, talked about you and listened to music, it settled our thoughts i guess. Then when i got home mum came in and i told her that me and amelia had decided to go up north anyway, and it would probably help. she asked me what i was on about and i was like "didnt catriona tell you.. it's tom...." i couldn't say anymore than that. The next thing i remember is being on the train trying to write lyrics for the song i knew i was going to write that weekend, i always write music when anything happens and i was sitting next to this guy and he read the lyrics over my shoulder (its not in the final song btw) and he was like, "let me help£ and i was like "its fine ill do it myslef thanks, its a bit of a touchy subject" and then he was being all im a uni student who is studying maths (he was helping me with my maths earlier that train journey) and being all know-it-all and said "its about some guy you like isnt it" and i was like "not exactly" and he pushed the subject and was all "its fine, i was your age once blah balh blah" and then i totally snapped at him and said "id you MUST know its about my friend who died from brain cancer this morning" and the guy was all "oh, ok umm sorry to hear that" i hated the fact that i had to do that becasuse its like why do you need to know that. But yeah we got to dads and mum must have told him because they were all being all nice and that. I stayed up that night and write, kinda like tonight, well tonight im writing this letter that night i was writing your song which turned into flying with the angels, it still has no accompaniment and its nearly a year on, i really need to fix that. But yeah that was Friday the 26th of October 2007 for me. i guess yours wasnt much better. Graned ot entire year is so much closer now but it wasnt worth losing you
i miss you so much y'know
i love you
forever my love
millie
x<3x