msning

well i was on la msn with some of my mateys and we were being all deep and meaningful so thought i'd put it up:

22:23) Barry: go for it
(22:23) Barry: and brutal honesty
(22:23) Emily.B: okay..
(22:23) Emily.B: ummmm
(22:23) Emily.B: 2 seconds. let me compose my thoughts into a readable form
(22:24) Barry: kk
(22:30) Emily.B: umm i think that your really self conscious and you care a hell of a lot about what people think about you. you dont want to hurt people or yourself but it kinda happens quite alot, you blame yourself for stuff that you cant fix but you think you should, you dont do it consciously but you blame your dad for things im not sure what but you do, but you're really strong because you can go into something dark, think your trapped and get out
(22:30) Emily.B: and umm im not really sure
(22:30) Emily.B: im rambling now
(22:30) Barry: anything else? cause what youg ot is very accurate
(22:31) Emily.B: really?
(22:31) Barry: yup very accurate


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(22:03) Emily.B: well i think that im like who i am because of dad, because he always expects me to be better at things than i am and always throws me in the deep end. i get my committment from that aswell because im always expected to give up everything for what i do
(22:04) Emily.B: and so i do my best to please poeple that i care about, and the people that i dont because i want everyone to like me...
(22:04) Emily.B: and that goes back to primary school when i was picked on to death
(22:04) Emily.B: and then i moved to crieff and i was uber confident
(22:04) Andrew (One 3rd: uber confident? inwardly or outwardly?
(22:05) Emily.B: because i didnt want anyone to think i was a dorrmat and that i could be taken advantage of
(22:05) Emily.B: umm most definatly outwardly than inwardly
(22:05) Emily.B: i've learn over the years how to put on a good show
(22:05) Andrew (One 3rd: i know
(22:05) Emily.B: im a true actress at heart
(22:06) Andrew (One 3rd: yeah but v few ppl can actually hide things and how they feel when under scutiny and only keep things under wraps cause other ppl dont look deep enough
(22:06) Andrew (One 3rd: when you crack though you seem to take it q badly tho
(22:07) Andrew (One 3rd: like its outpouring
(22:07) Emily.B: yeah.
(22:07) Emily.B: happened really badly in the summer... that wasnt fun
(22:09) Andrew (One 3rd: how come?
(22:11) Emily.B: i dunno thats the thing, it was stupid little things, it seemed like everyone was getting at me, and i ttally cracked under what is known as "stress" apparently i was just conviced i was gonna do something wrong and dad was gonna kill me and then with Dean screwing me over big time adn connor going off on one and just general stuff like that i took it all quite badly which dragged up stuff about tom for some reason and then i got really upset in general about pretty mcuh everything
(22:11) Emily.B: and i spend 2 sshifts in the space of a week in the toliets crying because of some stupid little comment dad/paul said
(22:11) Emily.B: oh and allan saying he was gonna walk out every other day didnt help
(22:14) Emily.B: so yeah the nervous breakdowns of summer were fun
(22:14) Andrew (One 3rd: if you dont mind me asking how do you think Toms death affected you as a person?
(22:15) Emily.B: you're sooooooooooo practising being a shrink (btwe i so think you should do that)
(22:15) Andrew (One 3rd: i like helping ppl and ppl are interesting so its all good
(22:15) Andrew (One 3rd:
(22:16) Emily.B: but yea
(22:16) Emily.B: umm
(22:16) Andrew (One 3rd: ive never known anyone thats died so its interesting, i know that sounds a bit cold to use the word ''interesting'' but hey
(22:17) Emily.B: no i get it
(22:17) Emily.B: im not "over" it as such but im much better at talking about it than a lot of people in my year
(22:17) Emily.B: i got him apresent form blackool
(22:17) Emily.B: *blackpool
(22:18) Emily.B: its downstairs
(22:18) Emily.B: a black wooden rose for his grave
(22:18) Emily.B: ive been looking for one for agges
(22:19) Emily.B: but anyhoo
(22:19) Emily.B: as a person
(22:19) Emily.B: its caused me to do a hell of a lot more than i wouldve before, becasue its like you never know whats gonna happen
(22:20) Emily.B: the thing with barry probs wouldnt have happened if tom hadn't have died
(22:20) Emily.B: sounds strange but its true
(22:21) Emily.B: and ive learnt that everyone is affected by these things if they think they will or not
(22:22) Emily.B: and it bring people closer
(22:24) Emily.B: i dunno i think its affected me subconiously but im not sure
(22:24) Emily.B: what with it being subconious and all
(22:24) Emily.B: it made music mean more to me
(22:24) Emily.B: i dont know why but it has
(22:25) Emily.B: i cry at stuff alot easier since then
(22:26) Andrew (One 3rd: musically, did tonnes of lyrics in songs make more sense and then in every song you'd hear a lyric which would remind you?>
(22:27) Emily.B: not every song remind me of him
(22:27) Andrew (One 3rd: but a lot more
(22:27) Emily.B: its weird because like there are certain guitar parts and bass lines that remind me of him
(22:28) Emily.B: but lyrics make mucho more sense and stuff and thinks remind me of other thinks
(22:28) Emily.B: like i have a list that remind me of barry and some that reminf me of certain mates a
(22:28) Emily.B: and all that kinda think
(22:28) Emily.B: that and guys that screw me over... .
(22:28) Emily.B: hmmm
(22:28) Emily.B: grrr
(22:30) Emily.B: but yeah music makes sense
(22:30) Emily.B: it made me write shedloads more
(22:30) Andrew (One 3rd: guys screw you over?
(22:30) Emily.B: quite often
(22:31) Andrew (One 3rd: why'd you think? after you said earlier you dont want to seen as a pushover yet you think guys screw you over a lot?
(22:34) Emily.B: i think because i usually go into that kind of relationship knowing that it will end soon and i try not to take it seriously but then i fall for the guy but most of the realtionships ive had havent been offical so they usually goa dn get a girlfriend and ditch me and dont speak to me and expect me to fine with it and then when they break up with wahtever girl it is that week they expect me to be there waiting and because im such a stupid whore i go back to them and let them and the cycle repeats...
(22:34) Emily.B: everytime i promise myself it wont happen again but it always does
(22:36) Emily.B: thats why i was so excited about barry because he was different i could tell, that and he didnt try to shag me as soon as he met me. and in my head it was perfect, i knew it wasnt, but i persuaded myself it was and then as usual something happened and it all ended, but he at least told me, which is a step up on some people
(22:38) Emily.B: but yeah...
(22:38) Emily.B:
(22:40) Emily.B has changed his/her personal message to "Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo"
(22:41) Emily.B: meh
(22:42) Andrew (One 3rd: did you think at the start that you and Barry would last or wer you just trying to convinve yourself that?
(22:43) Emily.B: at the very start, (like the beginning of the weekend) i thought it woudl jsut be another stupid fling for a weekend
(22:43) Emily.B: but then when i got SO excited and SO nervous about seeing him at the law gig i thought it would last, i would make it work
(22:45) Emily.B: so i guess convince myself
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there you go an insight to my mind again :L

xxx