somethings up with my friend. i dunno what it is, i know that i know nothing about him, well i've hardly scratched the surface to knowing him, but i know somethings up and its like i think it might be something big... :/ i dunno what to do. im scared :(
i dont know whats with him. its like i try to be his friend and he all best buds and then he totally blanks me out and i dunno whats up with him. its like i know somethings there but i dont know what and i cant get out of him if he wants me to be there for him.
:(
on a different note, ive caved to the man. i got itunes.
x
Wednesday 29 October 2008
Tuesday 28 October 2008
yay friends
rawr, i think ive found myself a really good friend, well actually a couple of really good friends. who help me out when i need them to. they are awesome and i miss them lots.... but i should get to see them satutrday at the bonfire. yay!
millie
x
millie
x
Sunday 26 October 2008
my weekend...
what up people. its been a long weekend in more ways than one.
Its a year today :(
i miss him sooooo much i cant believe hes really gone , well i can and i cant if that makes any sense ?
i went down to his grave today. it was the first time id been down with some one else... and it was weird. i stood there looking at all the flowers and stuff that had been left for him. there was loads and they were from loadsa different people. I was standing there in the rain with tears rolling down my cheeks but i couldn't feel anything i wasnt happy, i wasnt sad, i was completely numb. it was weird..
Appart from today my weekend has been pretty good. I had all my family over because it was my grannies 85th birthday and it was good crac, mostly when my grannie wasnt there tho.... :/ and everyone got quite drunk. i didnt because i didnt really want to drink to get drunk. i got a bit giggly but that was it..
anyhoo i dont really have much more to say this evening..
gotta fly
Millie
<3
Its a year today :(
i miss him sooooo much i cant believe hes really gone , well i can and i cant if that makes any sense ?
i went down to his grave today. it was the first time id been down with some one else... and it was weird. i stood there looking at all the flowers and stuff that had been left for him. there was loads and they were from loadsa different people. I was standing there in the rain with tears rolling down my cheeks but i couldn't feel anything i wasnt happy, i wasnt sad, i was completely numb. it was weird..
Appart from today my weekend has been pretty good. I had all my family over because it was my grannies 85th birthday and it was good crac, mostly when my grannie wasnt there tho.... :/ and everyone got quite drunk. i didnt because i didnt really want to drink to get drunk. i got a bit giggly but that was it..
anyhoo i dont really have much more to say this evening..
gotta fly
Millie
<3
Thursday 23 October 2008
nearly a year on...
This is a letter i wrote to Tom tonight. its quite long...
heya Darling,
One year Sunday,
Crazy that.
So much has happened uet i still remember that friday as if it was yesterday. We were all in maths when someone came up and told Mr.Mayne that there was an extended break becasue of an emergency staff meeting. By the time the words were out of their mouth i knew. I said to Tilly who was sitting next to me. I know what it is, i don't want it to be it but it is and she said it was proabably something to do with Mr.Simpson leaving, i said it couldnt be because none of the staff knew about it. When the bell went dor the kreak think there was only one thing on my mind, i needed to find sarah. She was a prefect, she would know what was happening she would be able to confirm my fears or tell me that it was all in my head. O remember bumping into smee, i was in floods of tears by this point and almost hysterics, i needed to know what was going on. When the bell went i went down to Art. I could tell as soon as i saw MrYates that my fears were right. He told us to go in and not to take our folders out, he would talk to us as a class. When everyone was in he said we had to sit and when the three bells went we were to head down to the hall and sit as a class.. Balls to that. When the three bells went, yeah we all headed to the hall but we didnt sit as a class, i don't know who was siting on one side of me but on the other was my music man, Mrs Ross was the one to address us all. I can't remember what she said exactly but it went along the lines of "you were in his year group, you should be the first to know" and "passed away" i was already in tears and so were quite a few others who had worked out what ha happened before we were told. But as soon as she said the words "passed away" it was like someone had put a blanket over everyone. Everyone was in floods, well almost everyone, Mrs Ross told all to hold hands before she actually told us. I'm so grateful that mm was there, he didnt cry either he just held my hand and then when we all stood up he gave me a huge hug.. Then i took a deep breath and went back to art. When the few people who came back to art arrived back Mr yates was asking if he could do anything, if there was anyone we wanted to see, he asked me if i wanted to go see my sister, i did want to see my sister, just not the one he was refering to. I wanted to see sarah, i wanted to see her more than anything. I asked if i could go and he let me.. I went to find her and at first i couldn't find her and i can't remember when i did but all i wanted to give her the biggest hug of all time. After i had found her amd that, my thoughts turned to squirt, she loved you babe, she really did. First sarah and i went outside and sat in the rain with everyone else. when the bell went for lunch they still hadnt told her. i went inside and when i saw her... i dont remember what was said but it was said all the same. It was horrible she practically collasped. o fe;t so bad for her. I think it was at that point that i took another deep breath and put my own emotions to one side, everyone else needed me more than i did. So i started going around everyone, tears still spilling down my cheeks telling everyone it was going to be ok. At one point i turned to TIlly and realised she was doing exactly the same thing. With a grim smile an da quicl hug we parted and continued in our attempts to regain control on a completely helpless situation. When i walked up the stair for third period the school seemed threateningly quiet, a lot of people had gone home. i got to french and there was 6 people in my class. I sat in my seat and blankly copied vocabulary. About ten minutes into the lesson Rachael left, i finished my vocab so i started to draw. I drew the faces of people i didnt know but knew how i felt. when i was finished i dated it and added fresh tears to the ones that i had drawn on the page. Then it was lunch, i cant really remember doing much apart from what ive already said, so there isnt much point in trying to tell you about an hour i cant remember. Then i went to RE, probably the best thing to happen to me all day. Mr Thomson talked to us, about you, about grief, about the people that hardly knew you yet had gone home. It was at that point that i knew that the people that cared, like really cared had stayed or come back. Because who wants to be at home crying on your own when you have your friends at school that cared about you. I was there, Christine was there. She was so brave that day, i cant describe it. how she managed it i dont know it was incredible, she still is. Thatsall i cared about being at school with the people that knew you. After RE i had history. By this point i was no longer visably upset, that was totallyat the back of my mind by now, i needed to concentrate on making everyone else smile. So i bounced into history and asked what we were doing that day. And it was cally at that point that i will never forget she said "Emily, how do you do it? you bounce back and make everyone around you feel better" what she said will stay with me for a long time. It made me want to help even more. That lesson we didnt do very much, we played hangman, talked about you and listened to music, it settled our thoughts i guess. Then when i got home mum came in and i told her that me and amelia had decided to go up north anyway, and it would probably help. she asked me what i was on about and i was like "didnt catriona tell you.. it's tom...." i couldn't say anymore than that. The next thing i remember is being on the train trying to write lyrics for the song i knew i was going to write that weekend, i always write music when anything happens and i was sitting next to this guy and he read the lyrics over my shoulder (its not in the final song btw) and he was like, "let me help£ and i was like "its fine ill do it myslef thanks, its a bit of a touchy subject" and then he was being all im a uni student who is studying maths (he was helping me with my maths earlier that train journey) and being all know-it-all and said "its about some guy you like isnt it" and i was like "not exactly" and he pushed the subject and was all "its fine, i was your age once blah balh blah" and then i totally snapped at him and said "id you MUST know its about my friend who died from brain cancer this morning" and the guy was all "oh, ok umm sorry to hear that" i hated the fact that i had to do that becasuse its like why do you need to know that. But yeah we got to dads and mum must have told him because they were all being all nice and that. I stayed up that night and write, kinda like tonight, well tonight im writing this letter that night i was writing your song which turned into flying with the angels, it still has no accompaniment and its nearly a year on, i really need to fix that. But yeah that was Friday the 26th of October 2007 for me. i guess yours wasnt much better. Graned ot entire year is so much closer now but it wasnt worth losing you
i miss you so much y'know
i love you
forever my love
millie
x<3x
heya Darling,
One year Sunday,
Crazy that.
So much has happened uet i still remember that friday as if it was yesterday. We were all in maths when someone came up and told Mr.Mayne that there was an extended break becasue of an emergency staff meeting. By the time the words were out of their mouth i knew. I said to Tilly who was sitting next to me. I know what it is, i don't want it to be it but it is and she said it was proabably something to do with Mr.Simpson leaving, i said it couldnt be because none of the staff knew about it. When the bell went dor the kreak think there was only one thing on my mind, i needed to find sarah. She was a prefect, she would know what was happening she would be able to confirm my fears or tell me that it was all in my head. O remember bumping into smee, i was in floods of tears by this point and almost hysterics, i needed to know what was going on. When the bell went i went down to Art. I could tell as soon as i saw MrYates that my fears were right. He told us to go in and not to take our folders out, he would talk to us as a class. When everyone was in he said we had to sit and when the three bells went we were to head down to the hall and sit as a class.. Balls to that. When the three bells went, yeah we all headed to the hall but we didnt sit as a class, i don't know who was siting on one side of me but on the other was my music man, Mrs Ross was the one to address us all. I can't remember what she said exactly but it went along the lines of "you were in his year group, you should be the first to know" and "passed away" i was already in tears and so were quite a few others who had worked out what ha happened before we were told. But as soon as she said the words "passed away" it was like someone had put a blanket over everyone. Everyone was in floods, well almost everyone, Mrs Ross told all to hold hands before she actually told us. I'm so grateful that mm was there, he didnt cry either he just held my hand and then when we all stood up he gave me a huge hug.. Then i took a deep breath and went back to art. When the few people who came back to art arrived back Mr yates was asking if he could do anything, if there was anyone we wanted to see, he asked me if i wanted to go see my sister, i did want to see my sister, just not the one he was refering to. I wanted to see sarah, i wanted to see her more than anything. I asked if i could go and he let me.. I went to find her and at first i couldn't find her and i can't remember when i did but all i wanted to give her the biggest hug of all time. After i had found her amd that, my thoughts turned to squirt, she loved you babe, she really did. First sarah and i went outside and sat in the rain with everyone else. when the bell went for lunch they still hadnt told her. i went inside and when i saw her... i dont remember what was said but it was said all the same. It was horrible she practically collasped. o fe;t so bad for her. I think it was at that point that i took another deep breath and put my own emotions to one side, everyone else needed me more than i did. So i started going around everyone, tears still spilling down my cheeks telling everyone it was going to be ok. At one point i turned to TIlly and realised she was doing exactly the same thing. With a grim smile an da quicl hug we parted and continued in our attempts to regain control on a completely helpless situation. When i walked up the stair for third period the school seemed threateningly quiet, a lot of people had gone home. i got to french and there was 6 people in my class. I sat in my seat and blankly copied vocabulary. About ten minutes into the lesson Rachael left, i finished my vocab so i started to draw. I drew the faces of people i didnt know but knew how i felt. when i was finished i dated it and added fresh tears to the ones that i had drawn on the page. Then it was lunch, i cant really remember doing much apart from what ive already said, so there isnt much point in trying to tell you about an hour i cant remember. Then i went to RE, probably the best thing to happen to me all day. Mr Thomson talked to us, about you, about grief, about the people that hardly knew you yet had gone home. It was at that point that i knew that the people that cared, like really cared had stayed or come back. Because who wants to be at home crying on your own when you have your friends at school that cared about you. I was there, Christine was there. She was so brave that day, i cant describe it. how she managed it i dont know it was incredible, she still is. Thatsall i cared about being at school with the people that knew you. After RE i had history. By this point i was no longer visably upset, that was totallyat the back of my mind by now, i needed to concentrate on making everyone else smile. So i bounced into history and asked what we were doing that day. And it was cally at that point that i will never forget she said "Emily, how do you do it? you bounce back and make everyone around you feel better" what she said will stay with me for a long time. It made me want to help even more. That lesson we didnt do very much, we played hangman, talked about you and listened to music, it settled our thoughts i guess. Then when i got home mum came in and i told her that me and amelia had decided to go up north anyway, and it would probably help. she asked me what i was on about and i was like "didnt catriona tell you.. it's tom...." i couldn't say anymore than that. The next thing i remember is being on the train trying to write lyrics for the song i knew i was going to write that weekend, i always write music when anything happens and i was sitting next to this guy and he read the lyrics over my shoulder (its not in the final song btw) and he was like, "let me help£ and i was like "its fine ill do it myslef thanks, its a bit of a touchy subject" and then he was being all im a uni student who is studying maths (he was helping me with my maths earlier that train journey) and being all know-it-all and said "its about some guy you like isnt it" and i was like "not exactly" and he pushed the subject and was all "its fine, i was your age once blah balh blah" and then i totally snapped at him and said "id you MUST know its about my friend who died from brain cancer this morning" and the guy was all "oh, ok umm sorry to hear that" i hated the fact that i had to do that becasuse its like why do you need to know that. But yeah we got to dads and mum must have told him because they were all being all nice and that. I stayed up that night and write, kinda like tonight, well tonight im writing this letter that night i was writing your song which turned into flying with the angels, it still has no accompaniment and its nearly a year on, i really need to fix that. But yeah that was Friday the 26th of October 2007 for me. i guess yours wasnt much better. Graned ot entire year is so much closer now but it wasnt worth losing you
i miss you so much y'know
i love you
forever my love
millie
x<3x
Monday 20 October 2008
hello again
heya guys
well ive just worked out if i have my laptop at a certain angle icanget the wireless in my room, its ridiculously slow but what can you do its still internet after all :D
anyhoo yeah life in general atm is alright i guess. i cant sleep atm which sucks considering its two in the morning. so i just decided i would put on some music and then the internet was working so i thought. might as well dosome blogging likes :D
ayye so met a bunch of new people,one stood out more than the others like. Before i met him i got the impression he was a complete womanising bastard but i've met him, ive spoken to himand he seems so lovely! its like i can tell him anything and he wont judge me at all. He's well cool and i hope that we grow to be good mates :D
Burger is upset,its totally understandable and ive been so busy lately that i havent been able to be there for her,which isnt good, i need to be there for her. its like no one else is :(
i miss tom
i was thinking about him tonight
and its like i wish i had told him how much he meant to me before it was too late. :(
Poser was on msn earlier, he hardly said anything :( i think ive screwed that up pretty spectacularly.... :(:( why did i have to open my mouth!!! we wouldve been fine if i hadnt at, least we wouldve been mates :(:(
oh well its now 2:11 so i should probably fly
talk soon
xxxxxxx
M
well ive just worked out if i have my laptop at a certain angle icanget the wireless in my room, its ridiculously slow but what can you do its still internet after all :D
anyhoo yeah life in general atm is alright i guess. i cant sleep atm which sucks considering its two in the morning. so i just decided i would put on some music and then the internet was working so i thought. might as well dosome blogging likes :D
ayye so met a bunch of new people,one stood out more than the others like. Before i met him i got the impression he was a complete womanising bastard but i've met him, ive spoken to himand he seems so lovely! its like i can tell him anything and he wont judge me at all. He's well cool and i hope that we grow to be good mates :D
Burger is upset,its totally understandable and ive been so busy lately that i havent been able to be there for her,which isnt good, i need to be there for her. its like no one else is :(
i miss tom
i was thinking about him tonight
and its like i wish i had told him how much he meant to me before it was too late. :(
Poser was on msn earlier, he hardly said anything :( i think ive screwed that up pretty spectacularly.... :(:( why did i have to open my mouth!!! we wouldve been fine if i hadnt at, least we wouldve been mates :(:(
oh well its now 2:11 so i should probably fly
talk soon
xxxxxxx
M
Sunday 19 October 2008
heya...
this ones directed at someone new.
im sorry, ive screwed things up with you, as friends, not even anything more.
As much as you said that we should just be friends i still thought i had a chance in my head. Then i did what i always do and then i asked all the wrong questions and now i can sense the diference in our conversation... again. i'm sorry
xxxxx
i hope you read this. <3
im sorry, ive screwed things up with you, as friends, not even anything more.
As much as you said that we should just be friends i still thought i had a chance in my head. Then i did what i always do and then i asked all the wrong questions and now i can sense the diference in our conversation... again. i'm sorry
xxxxx
i hope you read this. <3
Monday 13 October 2008
a sneaky blog
tis quite amusing because tilly says i'm a very sneaky blogger.. cause like she is with me all the time, i share a bed with her at night and spend most of my day with her yet she never sees me blogging, but i always have a blog done in the evening :L
but yeah anyhoo
today was AMAZING fun
i haven't laughed that much in agggers, well apart from kitchen banter but i havent had that for aggggers either... :(
WE NEED TO GET THAT SORTED!! guitar lessons that is... hmmm
but anyhoo yeah i can't really think of much to say just now, T and PM are getting their wedding plans underway, (its quite sweet, their flirting technique) and so their all jolly and happy, and so are pippa and MM... meh oh well
and that loverly hockey boy likes my burger, im sure of it +D
well i gotta fly
sleep is calling
<3
xX<3Xx
but yeah anyhoo
today was AMAZING fun
i haven't laughed that much in agggers, well apart from kitchen banter but i havent had that for aggggers either... :(
WE NEED TO GET THAT SORTED!! guitar lessons that is... hmmm
but anyhoo yeah i can't really think of much to say just now, T and PM are getting their wedding plans underway, (its quite sweet, their flirting technique) and so their all jolly and happy, and so are pippa and MM... meh oh well
and that loverly hockey boy likes my burger, im sure of it +D
well i gotta fly
sleep is calling
<3
xX<3Xx
Sunday 12 October 2008
burgers blog...xx
Ok I have to say all this because I have a little bit of a nervous break down on my hands.
BURGER! I still love you, I always loved you and I’m not going to run away because you’re ill. I know you’ll need me more if you do get worse and I’m not about to go anywhere. The credit is low and im working shed loads so I cant talk to you as much as I want… L
\you’re not going to lose me. Ok lets get that straight and you’re not pushing me away. I know that sometimes you need space to think things through and I try and oblige but I know that at the moment the last thing you want is space but I have to give it to you because I can’t be there.
Do you know how much I hate not being able to be there it sucks so bad. I hate being away from home in the holidays because I know that I should be at home so that I can keep you smiling.
NEVER STOP SMILING!!
It might not be ok. But even if its not im still gonna be there to make you laugh the best I can.. .
I feel bad because I feel like im moving away when you need me most but im coming back.
One move week and ill be there and I promise that its all gonna be alright
Ok ??
don’t worry about the scare or the hurt I can deal with it.. .ok??
I can cope with this, just don’t forget that even if im not physically talking to you. You’re still in my thoughts and I love you and want you to be happy…. Ok?
Now that we’ve settled that. I think that you should try and get some sleep!!!
Love you lots
MLBL+M+L+SAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3
Never let go
Never forget.
<3
BURGER! I still love you, I always loved you and I’m not going to run away because you’re ill. I know you’ll need me more if you do get worse and I’m not about to go anywhere. The credit is low and im working shed loads so I cant talk to you as much as I want… L
\you’re not going to lose me. Ok lets get that straight and you’re not pushing me away. I know that sometimes you need space to think things through and I try and oblige but I know that at the moment the last thing you want is space but I have to give it to you because I can’t be there.
Do you know how much I hate not being able to be there it sucks so bad. I hate being away from home in the holidays because I know that I should be at home so that I can keep you smiling.
NEVER STOP SMILING!!
It might not be ok. But even if its not im still gonna be there to make you laugh the best I can.. .
I feel bad because I feel like im moving away when you need me most but im coming back.
One move week and ill be there and I promise that its all gonna be alright
Ok ??
don’t worry about the scare or the hurt I can deal with it.. .ok??
I can cope with this, just don’t forget that even if im not physically talking to you. You’re still in my thoughts and I love you and want you to be happy…. Ok?
Now that we’ve settled that. I think that you should try and get some sleep!!!
Love you lots
MLBL+M+L+SAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3
Never let go
Never forget.
<3
12th October 08
Well todays was fun…
I got up REALLY late, it was like midday XD
Havent done that in ages and I miss just lazing about but I have to say that I like having the morning to do stuff in so its kinda a catch 22 ):
But yeah then we went to the loft for lunch and I had duck and it was loverly XD
Then me and T-monster headed back to the house and I was on msn to PM and tried to establish what the deal was with how he feels about T but I guess it has only been a couple of days…
She really likes him. I can tell by the way she laughs at the things he writes on msn and what she says to him and about him, its quite sweet really. I hope she’s happy but still im a bit meh about it all, cause like the nice guys never go for me. But T is the prettier, funnier, generally more lovely person… but still meh…
):
Yeah then after talking to him I went for a walk with T and this guy that was in my year in primary. It was so much fun, I miss all the people from my old school so much its crazy like. I wish that I could live closer so I could see everyone and everyone would be friends, but then again I think its nice for them to be separate because the places are so different and so are the people and the way they look at things..
I miss him
< / 3 hes away this week so its not even like I can fight with him ):
I really did screw that one up spectacularly.. Its like I could have just taken him breaking up with me and been is friend but no I had to try and work it so that I got more and that was really stupid. I let myself get angry with him for things that were my fault or in my head and it was like AHHH!!! I can’t believe i did that. Meh
And im worried about burger (see *burger blog*)
But that’s really it for just now
I gotta fly because T is trying to sleep and im being loud and full of light :L
Xx<3xX
I got up REALLY late, it was like midday XD
Havent done that in ages and I miss just lazing about but I have to say that I like having the morning to do stuff in so its kinda a catch 22 ):
But yeah then we went to the loft for lunch and I had duck and it was loverly XD
Then me and T-monster headed back to the house and I was on msn to PM and tried to establish what the deal was with how he feels about T but I guess it has only been a couple of days…
She really likes him. I can tell by the way she laughs at the things he writes on msn and what she says to him and about him, its quite sweet really. I hope she’s happy but still im a bit meh about it all, cause like the nice guys never go for me. But T is the prettier, funnier, generally more lovely person… but still meh…
):
Yeah then after talking to him I went for a walk with T and this guy that was in my year in primary. It was so much fun, I miss all the people from my old school so much its crazy like. I wish that I could live closer so I could see everyone and everyone would be friends, but then again I think its nice for them to be separate because the places are so different and so are the people and the way they look at things..
I miss him
< / 3 hes away this week so its not even like I can fight with him ):
I really did screw that one up spectacularly.. Its like I could have just taken him breaking up with me and been is friend but no I had to try and work it so that I got more and that was really stupid. I let myself get angry with him for things that were my fault or in my head and it was like AHHH!!! I can’t believe i did that. Meh
And im worried about burger (see *burger blog*)
But that’s really it for just now
I gotta fly because T is trying to sleep and im being loud and full of light :L
Xx<3xX
Saturday 11 October 2008
jack-obs house :)
well i had funsies last night :D
first time EVER dad let me out in forres :D
and i had good fun, was chilling at jacks during the day and then he was having a party so we stayed for a bit of it. i met a bunch of people and re-met a bunch of other people i havent seen in years... :D:D
but yeah the guys were cute :)
shame none of them like me and they all liked t-monster or had a girlfriend :(
t-monster's lad was actually adorable and i will admitt that i fancy him but he likes t-monster :(:( they are adorable together though :D
well yeah
meet boy - partay - drink - home- sleep
that was t-mosters friday night...
mine went abit like
hang out at jacks - got to tescos - partay - sober t-monster up- home - sleep
:L
but what can you do likes.. .
gotta fly
pip pip
mwah mwah
xxxx
first time EVER dad let me out in forres :D
and i had good fun, was chilling at jacks during the day and then he was having a party so we stayed for a bit of it. i met a bunch of people and re-met a bunch of other people i havent seen in years... :D:D
but yeah the guys were cute :)
shame none of them like me and they all liked t-monster or had a girlfriend :(
t-monster's lad was actually adorable and i will admitt that i fancy him but he likes t-monster :(:( they are adorable together though :D
well yeah
meet boy - partay - drink - home- sleep
that was t-mosters friday night...
mine went abit like
hang out at jacks - got to tescos - partay - sober t-monster up- home - sleep
:L
but what can you do likes.. .
gotta fly
pip pip
mwah mwah
xxxx
Wednesday 8 October 2008
oh yeah a side note likes..
yeah i forgot to say in all that doom and gloom....
He was amazing. it made me cry listening to it... yep there i go again being all pathetic and stupid likes!!!
but yeah i loved it, hes talented much.
another few song that remind me of him...
Iris: goo goo dolls.
Your call: secondhand serenade
one of these days i'll put up the lyrics to all the songs too,... maybe it'll help me undersatnd..
x
He was amazing. it made me cry listening to it... yep there i go again being all pathetic and stupid likes!!!
but yeah i loved it, hes talented much.
another few song that remind me of him...
Iris: goo goo dolls.
Your call: secondhand serenade
one of these days i'll put up the lyrics to all the songs too,... maybe it'll help me undersatnd..
x
the talent show
Talent shows suck!
nothing happened.. he didn't even say goodbye :(
but i'll be fine.
Ok its pathetic i know but i really wanted him to just look me in the eye and realise he's made a huge mistake and say that that girl means nothing and he wants me.. however it was not the case. but as i know life goes on and you just have to make the best of it....
im more worried about t-monster,
she's had an argument with her dad and she's running away. Tomorrow morning.
I don't know exactly what it was about, something about how she hasn't got a job and that, but anyhoo yeah she's coming to mine tomorrow, getting the 7am bus and traveling all the way up. I don't want her to get into trouble, but im not going to say no to her coming because i think she does just need her space for a wee while.... :S i dunno AHHH!!
Its spreading.. i thought it wasn't cancer but what can it be if its spreading... worried muchly... i can't believe it, i don't know what to do... i want it to be better :(
so a bit of a suckish day really.... :(
hopefully tomorrow will be better
xx
nothing happened.. he didn't even say goodbye :(
but i'll be fine.
Ok its pathetic i know but i really wanted him to just look me in the eye and realise he's made a huge mistake and say that that girl means nothing and he wants me.. however it was not the case. but as i know life goes on and you just have to make the best of it....
im more worried about t-monster,
she's had an argument with her dad and she's running away. Tomorrow morning.
I don't know exactly what it was about, something about how she hasn't got a job and that, but anyhoo yeah she's coming to mine tomorrow, getting the 7am bus and traveling all the way up. I don't want her to get into trouble, but im not going to say no to her coming because i think she does just need her space for a wee while.... :S i dunno AHHH!!
Its spreading.. i thought it wasn't cancer but what can it be if its spreading... worried muchly... i can't believe it, i don't know what to do... i want it to be better :(
so a bit of a suckish day really.... :(
hopefully tomorrow will be better
xx
Tuesday 7 October 2008
hmmm
yeah i know you're gonna read this but i really couldn't care less atm
ive been talking to him and its like i dunno i can't understand him and how his mind works at all.. it bugs me and i usually know vaguly what people are think (well most, i never know what ting, or boyage are thinking but thats different because with boyage its usually something sexually revolved and ting i dunno he'll just be thinking somehting hes too nice to say.. he does that) but yeah and i want to know whats going on but its strange because once i hear one little thing i want to know the whole story..
and i cant believe it went that far. he should talk to someone. i dunno who. i want to be the person to make him happy. i don't know if i ever will be though.
the songs that make me think of him
emotionless - good charlotte
what about now - Daughtry
Running away - midnight hour
three of many likes...
i'm fking obsessed!! AHHHHH i should just let go and forget, and it would all be so much easier and less complicated..
i want the talent show to go well
i want him to look at me and realise he made a mistake
i want to hear his music
i want to understand
i want alot of things though and just because i want them doesnt mean their gonna happen.
:(
i want to be happy...
it isnt really his fault though, its like i should have known something like this was gonna happen, i dont seem to have happy ever afters
gotta fly
xxx
ive been talking to him and its like i dunno i can't understand him and how his mind works at all.. it bugs me and i usually know vaguly what people are think (well most, i never know what ting, or boyage are thinking but thats different because with boyage its usually something sexually revolved and ting i dunno he'll just be thinking somehting hes too nice to say.. he does that) but yeah and i want to know whats going on but its strange because once i hear one little thing i want to know the whole story..
and i cant believe it went that far. he should talk to someone. i dunno who. i want to be the person to make him happy. i don't know if i ever will be though.
the songs that make me think of him
emotionless - good charlotte
what about now - Daughtry
Running away - midnight hour
three of many likes...
i'm fking obsessed!! AHHHHH i should just let go and forget, and it would all be so much easier and less complicated..
i want the talent show to go well
i want him to look at me and realise he made a mistake
i want to hear his music
i want to understand
i want alot of things though and just because i want them doesnt mean their gonna happen.
:(
i want to be happy...
it isnt really his fault though, its like i should have known something like this was gonna happen, i dont seem to have happy ever afters
gotta fly
xxx
what up peoples?
heya guys
how are you all??
i'm back in Eastgrange XD
lol
i'm going to the talent show tomorrow at the caddy, should be good crac.
get to see some loverly people.
i dunno whats gonna happen though :S
hey ho what can you do?
xx
<3
how are you all??
i'm back in Eastgrange XD
lol
i'm going to the talent show tomorrow at the caddy, should be good crac.
get to see some loverly people.
i dunno whats gonna happen though :S
hey ho what can you do?
xx
<3
Monday 6 October 2008
msning
well i was on la msn with some of my mateys and we were being all deep and meaningful so thought i'd put it up:
22:23) Barry: go for it
(22:23) Barry: and brutal honesty
(22:23) Emily.B: okay..
(22:23) Emily.B: ummmm
(22:23) Emily.B: 2 seconds. let me compose my thoughts into a readable form
(22:24) Barry: kk
(22:30) Emily.B: umm i think that your really self conscious and you care a hell of a lot about what people think about you. you dont want to hurt people or yourself but it kinda happens quite alot, you blame yourself for stuff that you cant fix but you think you should, you dont do it consciously but you blame your dad for things im not sure what but you do, but you're really strong because you can go into something dark, think your trapped and get out
(22:30) Emily.B: and umm im not really sure
(22:30) Emily.B: im rambling now
(22:30) Barry: anything else? cause what youg ot is very accurate
(22:31) Emily.B: really?
(22:31) Barry: yup very accurate
=======================================================
(22:03) Emily.B: well i think that im like who i am because of dad, because he always expects me to be better at things than i am and always throws me in the deep end. i get my committment from that aswell because im always expected to give up everything for what i do
(22:04) Emily.B: and so i do my best to please poeple that i care about, and the people that i dont because i want everyone to like me...
(22:04) Emily.B: and that goes back to primary school when i was picked on to death
(22:04) Emily.B: and then i moved to crieff and i was uber confident
(22:04) Andrew (One 3rd: uber confident? inwardly or outwardly?
(22:05) Emily.B: because i didnt want anyone to think i was a dorrmat and that i could be taken advantage of
(22:05) Emily.B: umm most definatly outwardly than inwardly
(22:05) Emily.B: i've learn over the years how to put on a good show
(22:05) Andrew (One 3rd: i know
(22:05) Emily.B: im a true actress at heart
(22:06) Andrew (One 3rd: yeah but v few ppl can actually hide things and how they feel when under scutiny and only keep things under wraps cause other ppl dont look deep enough
(22:06) Andrew (One 3rd: when you crack though you seem to take it q badly tho
(22:07) Andrew (One 3rd: like its outpouring
(22:07) Emily.B: yeah.
(22:07) Emily.B: happened really badly in the summer... that wasnt fun
(22:09) Andrew (One 3rd: how come?
(22:11) Emily.B: i dunno thats the thing, it was stupid little things, it seemed like everyone was getting at me, and i ttally cracked under what is known as "stress" apparently i was just conviced i was gonna do something wrong and dad was gonna kill me and then with Dean screwing me over big time adn connor going off on one and just general stuff like that i took it all quite badly which dragged up stuff about tom for some reason and then i got really upset in general about pretty mcuh everything
(22:11) Emily.B: and i spend 2 sshifts in the space of a week in the toliets crying because of some stupid little comment dad/paul said
(22:11) Emily.B: oh and allan saying he was gonna walk out every other day didnt help
(22:14) Emily.B: so yeah the nervous breakdowns of summer were fun
(22:14) Andrew (One 3rd: if you dont mind me asking how do you think Toms death affected you as a person?
(22:15) Emily.B: you're sooooooooooo practising being a shrink (btwe i so think you should do that)
(22:15) Andrew (One 3rd: i like helping ppl and ppl are interesting so its all good
(22:15) Andrew (One 3rd:
(22:16) Emily.B: but yea
(22:16) Emily.B: umm
(22:16) Andrew (One 3rd: ive never known anyone thats died so its interesting, i know that sounds a bit cold to use the word ''interesting'' but hey
(22:17) Emily.B: no i get it
(22:17) Emily.B: im not "over" it as such but im much better at talking about it than a lot of people in my year
(22:17) Emily.B: i got him apresent form blackool
(22:17) Emily.B: *blackpool
(22:18) Emily.B: its downstairs
(22:18) Emily.B: a black wooden rose for his grave
(22:18) Emily.B: ive been looking for one for agges
(22:19) Emily.B: but anyhoo
(22:19) Emily.B: as a person
(22:19) Emily.B: its caused me to do a hell of a lot more than i wouldve before, becasue its like you never know whats gonna happen
(22:20) Emily.B: the thing with barry probs wouldnt have happened if tom hadn't have died
(22:20) Emily.B: sounds strange but its true
(22:21) Emily.B: and ive learnt that everyone is affected by these things if they think they will or not
(22:22) Emily.B: and it bring people closer
(22:24) Emily.B: i dunno i think its affected me subconiously but im not sure
(22:24) Emily.B: what with it being subconious and all
(22:24) Emily.B: it made music mean more to me
(22:24) Emily.B: i dont know why but it has
(22:25) Emily.B: i cry at stuff alot easier since then
(22:26) Andrew (One 3rd: musically, did tonnes of lyrics in songs make more sense and then in every song you'd hear a lyric which would remind you?>
(22:27) Emily.B: not every song remind me of him
(22:27) Andrew (One 3rd: but a lot more
(22:27) Emily.B: its weird because like there are certain guitar parts and bass lines that remind me of him
(22:28) Emily.B: but lyrics make mucho more sense and stuff and thinks remind me of other thinks
(22:28) Emily.B: like i have a list that remind me of barry and some that reminf me of certain mates a
(22:28) Emily.B: and all that kinda think
(22:28) Emily.B: that and guys that screw me over... .
(22:28) Emily.B: hmmm
(22:28) Emily.B: grrr
(22:30) Emily.B: but yeah music makes sense
(22:30) Emily.B: it made me write shedloads more
(22:30) Andrew (One 3rd: guys screw you over?
(22:30) Emily.B: quite often
(22:31) Andrew (One 3rd: why'd you think? after you said earlier you dont want to seen as a pushover yet you think guys screw you over a lot?
(22:34) Emily.B: i think because i usually go into that kind of relationship knowing that it will end soon and i try not to take it seriously but then i fall for the guy but most of the realtionships ive had havent been offical so they usually goa dn get a girlfriend and ditch me and dont speak to me and expect me to fine with it and then when they break up with wahtever girl it is that week they expect me to be there waiting and because im such a stupid whore i go back to them and let them and the cycle repeats...
(22:34) Emily.B: everytime i promise myself it wont happen again but it always does
(22:36) Emily.B: thats why i was so excited about barry because he was different i could tell, that and he didnt try to shag me as soon as he met me. and in my head it was perfect, i knew it wasnt, but i persuaded myself it was and then as usual something happened and it all ended, but he at least told me, which is a step up on some people
(22:38) Emily.B: but yeah...
(22:38) Emily.B:
(22:40) Emily.B has changed his/her personal message to "Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo"
(22:41) Emily.B: meh
(22:42) Andrew (One 3rd: did you think at the start that you and Barry would last or wer you just trying to convinve yourself that?
(22:43) Emily.B: at the very start, (like the beginning of the weekend) i thought it woudl jsut be another stupid fling for a weekend
(22:43) Emily.B: but then when i got SO excited and SO nervous about seeing him at the law gig i thought it would last, i would make it work
(22:45) Emily.B: so i guess convince myself
===============================================================================
there you go an insight to my mind again :L
xxx
22:23) Barry: go for it
(22:23) Barry: and brutal honesty
(22:23) Emily.B: okay..
(22:23) Emily.B: ummmm
(22:23) Emily.B: 2 seconds. let me compose my thoughts into a readable form
(22:24) Barry: kk
(22:30) Emily.B: umm i think that your really self conscious and you care a hell of a lot about what people think about you. you dont want to hurt people or yourself but it kinda happens quite alot, you blame yourself for stuff that you cant fix but you think you should, you dont do it consciously but you blame your dad for things im not sure what but you do, but you're really strong because you can go into something dark, think your trapped and get out
(22:30) Emily.B: and umm im not really sure
(22:30) Emily.B: im rambling now
(22:30) Barry: anything else? cause what youg ot is very accurate
(22:31) Emily.B: really?
(22:31) Barry: yup very accurate
=======================================================
(22:03) Emily.B: well i think that im like who i am because of dad, because he always expects me to be better at things than i am and always throws me in the deep end. i get my committment from that aswell because im always expected to give up everything for what i do
(22:04) Emily.B: and so i do my best to please poeple that i care about, and the people that i dont because i want everyone to like me...
(22:04) Emily.B: and that goes back to primary school when i was picked on to death
(22:04) Emily.B: and then i moved to crieff and i was uber confident
(22:04) Andrew (One 3rd: uber confident? inwardly or outwardly?
(22:05) Emily.B: because i didnt want anyone to think i was a dorrmat and that i could be taken advantage of
(22:05) Emily.B: umm most definatly outwardly than inwardly
(22:05) Emily.B: i've learn over the years how to put on a good show
(22:05) Andrew (One 3rd: i know
(22:05) Emily.B: im a true actress at heart
(22:06) Andrew (One 3rd: yeah but v few ppl can actually hide things and how they feel when under scutiny and only keep things under wraps cause other ppl dont look deep enough
(22:06) Andrew (One 3rd: when you crack though you seem to take it q badly tho
(22:07) Andrew (One 3rd: like its outpouring
(22:07) Emily.B: yeah.
(22:07) Emily.B: happened really badly in the summer... that wasnt fun
(22:09) Andrew (One 3rd: how come?
(22:11) Emily.B: i dunno thats the thing, it was stupid little things, it seemed like everyone was getting at me, and i ttally cracked under what is known as "stress" apparently i was just conviced i was gonna do something wrong and dad was gonna kill me and then with Dean screwing me over big time adn connor going off on one and just general stuff like that i took it all quite badly which dragged up stuff about tom for some reason and then i got really upset in general about pretty mcuh everything
(22:11) Emily.B: and i spend 2 sshifts in the space of a week in the toliets crying because of some stupid little comment dad/paul said
(22:11) Emily.B: oh and allan saying he was gonna walk out every other day didnt help
(22:14) Emily.B: so yeah the nervous breakdowns of summer were fun
(22:14) Andrew (One 3rd: if you dont mind me asking how do you think Toms death affected you as a person?
(22:15) Emily.B: you're sooooooooooo practising being a shrink (btwe i so think you should do that)
(22:15) Andrew (One 3rd: i like helping ppl and ppl are interesting so its all good
(22:15) Andrew (One 3rd:
(22:16) Emily.B: but yea
(22:16) Emily.B: umm
(22:16) Andrew (One 3rd: ive never known anyone thats died so its interesting, i know that sounds a bit cold to use the word ''interesting'' but hey
(22:17) Emily.B: no i get it
(22:17) Emily.B: im not "over" it as such but im much better at talking about it than a lot of people in my year
(22:17) Emily.B: i got him apresent form blackool
(22:17) Emily.B: *blackpool
(22:18) Emily.B: its downstairs
(22:18) Emily.B: a black wooden rose for his grave
(22:18) Emily.B: ive been looking for one for agges
(22:19) Emily.B: but anyhoo
(22:19) Emily.B: as a person
(22:19) Emily.B: its caused me to do a hell of a lot more than i wouldve before, becasue its like you never know whats gonna happen
(22:20) Emily.B: the thing with barry probs wouldnt have happened if tom hadn't have died
(22:20) Emily.B: sounds strange but its true
(22:21) Emily.B: and ive learnt that everyone is affected by these things if they think they will or not
(22:22) Emily.B: and it bring people closer
(22:24) Emily.B: i dunno i think its affected me subconiously but im not sure
(22:24) Emily.B: what with it being subconious and all
(22:24) Emily.B: it made music mean more to me
(22:24) Emily.B: i dont know why but it has
(22:25) Emily.B: i cry at stuff alot easier since then
(22:26) Andrew (One 3rd: musically, did tonnes of lyrics in songs make more sense and then in every song you'd hear a lyric which would remind you?>
(22:27) Emily.B: not every song remind me of him
(22:27) Andrew (One 3rd: but a lot more
(22:27) Emily.B: its weird because like there are certain guitar parts and bass lines that remind me of him
(22:28) Emily.B: but lyrics make mucho more sense and stuff and thinks remind me of other thinks
(22:28) Emily.B: like i have a list that remind me of barry and some that reminf me of certain mates a
(22:28) Emily.B: and all that kinda think
(22:28) Emily.B: that and guys that screw me over... .
(22:28) Emily.B: hmmm
(22:28) Emily.B: grrr
(22:30) Emily.B: but yeah music makes sense
(22:30) Emily.B: it made me write shedloads more
(22:30) Andrew (One 3rd: guys screw you over?
(22:30) Emily.B: quite often
(22:31) Andrew (One 3rd: why'd you think? after you said earlier you dont want to seen as a pushover yet you think guys screw you over a lot?
(22:34) Emily.B: i think because i usually go into that kind of relationship knowing that it will end soon and i try not to take it seriously but then i fall for the guy but most of the realtionships ive had havent been offical so they usually goa dn get a girlfriend and ditch me and dont speak to me and expect me to fine with it and then when they break up with wahtever girl it is that week they expect me to be there waiting and because im such a stupid whore i go back to them and let them and the cycle repeats...
(22:34) Emily.B: everytime i promise myself it wont happen again but it always does
(22:36) Emily.B: thats why i was so excited about barry because he was different i could tell, that and he didnt try to shag me as soon as he met me. and in my head it was perfect, i knew it wasnt, but i persuaded myself it was and then as usual something happened and it all ended, but he at least told me, which is a step up on some people
(22:38) Emily.B: but yeah...
(22:38) Emily.B:
(22:40) Emily.B has changed his/her personal message to "Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo"
(22:41) Emily.B: meh
(22:42) Andrew (One 3rd: did you think at the start that you and Barry would last or wer you just trying to convinve yourself that?
(22:43) Emily.B: at the very start, (like the beginning of the weekend) i thought it woudl jsut be another stupid fling for a weekend
(22:43) Emily.B: but then when i got SO excited and SO nervous about seeing him at the law gig i thought it would last, i would make it work
(22:45) Emily.B: so i guess convince myself
===============================================================================
there you go an insight to my mind again :L
xxx
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