12.02.12

 I found out recently one of my best friends is moving away up North. Not a huge distance away, a few hours maybe, but she's not going to be round the corner for evenings in, evenings out and trips to Ikea where we play house and shop for cabinets. It's funny, I mean we've both talked to each other so casually about plans of moving to London, New York, further afield, but now it's all starting to happen I'm filled with this rush, this excitement that we are going to live in these places, do all these things. When she let me know I was admittedly indifferent; not because I don't care, but because I know this distance will ultimately mean nothing because we're far too close. I have few people in my life who know me deeply, and even less who know me completely. Then again I don't know if anybody knows anybody completely, and that's probably healthy. I know I'm going to miss her, because she's one of the few people I can sit down and just talk to. Just talk. About anything, any time and anywhere. Most people would tell me to shut-up by the time I get to the recesses of my head, usually because the words don't really fit together and you've got to learn a new kind of sign language, but she listens. It's these kinds of relationships which matter. Those where you could be anywhere; lost in translation, angry, confused, and you'll bring each other back.   - Sean Hall

It's taken me until February to do my first post of the year.  I want to write a response to one of my best friends, seantalksaboutstuff.blogspot.com. He's amazing and he's always there for me, when I need someone to ramble at or some serious tough love.  He always seems to know what to do.  We work together, we play together.. we have really important meetings in Nandos together.  I will miss him, not because I see him all the time now, quite the contray but because I wont be able to just jump in the car and be there in 20 mins, it will become planned, expectation will be set, spontanity goes out the window.  I love the fact that he would just phone me up and 2 hours later we were IKEA taking photos of us messing about with furniture.  I will miss him. But I also know that he's still there. Skype exists, people have best friends who live on the other side of the world. So I know we'll be okay.

So quite a lot of change is happening just now. I'm applying for Uni - I have 5 interviews over the next month, I'm moving up North to take on a job I don't know if I can handle.  Not because of the work, but because it's with family, and it's always been so hard to be able to live and work beside them.. I am going to try my best to work through it and I think, I hope that I have grown up and matured enough that I will be able to make the best of the situation and have a good time. 

I'm not going to lie, I am excited about moving, getting to go back to where I grew up has always appealed to me, there are still a few people, not as many as I would like, that are still around who it will be amazing to have back in my life on a more permanent basis. My brothers, the adult ones as well as the children. I miss them, I really do.

I miss a lot of people, people I used to take forgranted that I would get to speak to everyday, people, that even now I automatically invite to my birthday party or on a night out because I assume they'll want to go.  It's that day that your mouse hovers over their name and you think to yourself, do I actually know them enough these days to invite them, that's when it gets scary, and thats when I worry that it's too late.  I hope that my friends that I don't get to speak to as much as I would like do not become those friends. I've lost too many already.

I found out today that one of my friends is moving house and trying for a baby, it was really exciting to hear but it worried me that I hadn't realised that they wanted to already. They were talking about loans and morgages, it was quite scary really. Man things move fast in the grown up world. 

I know i'm not making much sense, it's late and I'm working on the wickerman with National theatre all week, its going to be amazeballs. but i need to sleep.



Farewell.

Christmas 2011

Hiya pals!!

So I've been in pantoland for the last month or so, and havent really done anything out with the people that are involved in that, so not really much news. 
I had another iffy moment a couple of weeks ago on the show when I was doing everything wrong and was feeling like i'd made the wrong decision and I shouldn't be a Stage Manager, but I got a massive pep talk from Sean and Kay (my DSM) and I kinda feel better now, still dont know if im cut out for it, but we shall see :)

So it's Christmas, doesnt really feel like it, I kinda feel like a grown up now, cause I got in from work on Xmas Eve, had some drinks with my parents then went to bed, had no trouble sleeping, got pissed off when i was woken up (at  10am!) to open presents, wasnt that excited about anything that was going on really, had a nap in the afternoon and now im in bed, totally dreading the fact that I have to go to work again tomorrow....
but hey, tis money and its an amazing job that I know quite a number of people would kill for so I cant really complain.

Today also made me think of last year and how absolutely everything was completely different. I was still with Jamie, we had a really quiet christmas, I went to his parents and had a really nice day, regardless of the fact I was stupidly ill and me and jamie were pretty much falling apart, but everything was lovely. I didnt want panto to end, and all in all I would say that I was pretty happy. And Im not saying Im not happy this year but its just a very different experience,

I know it sounds really stupid and I know I shouldnt let Lads define me but I do miss having a boyfriend, having someone who takes an interest in your day and you can text all the time and you never run out of things to say to each other and will randomly do things to make you smile, and just the amount of attention you get from that one person, like you are the most important thing to them.



BUT!
Todays blog wasnt supposed to be depressing and shit, its CHRISTMAS for christsake, Alex Day got number 4 in the charts, I had my family round, I got completely spoilt with presents, and generally I had a lovely day, and I really hope that you guys had a nice day as well.

And I guess all I have left to say now is..
Happy Christmas and Merry New Year <3 

So lads... It's been some time

Hiya pals.

It's been a while since I wrote and tbh I know that I'm really only writing to one person, and sometimes I really want to go for it and as you say, 'just blog it' but I always manage to find excuses, I'm too tired, I'm too busy, I wouldn't know what to write. I know it's just excuses but I feel I should tell you what's going on in my head because for some reason this blog, you, without ever commenting or mentioning a thing somehow make me feel better, purely because I know you're there and you read it.

I guess I should go back a bit, put some form of context into it all.

There are a number of things I guess I want to talk about, I thought I would do it in time order but that doesn't seem to be the way my brain wants to work today.

Gramps funeral/dying
I didn't know. I guenuinly didn't know he was that I'll, I didn't know he was in hospital, I knew nothing. I just said to meg that I was going to Aberdeen. To visit for the night and she was all, oh are you going to see gramps, I had no idea what she was on about, I had been so busy with sound of music that no one had thought to tell me that gramps was in hospital, like I know we hadn't been close, but still everyone else knew, but no one thought to tell me. Then I went to Aberdeen, we went into the hospital, I was in quite good spirits tbh, I thought he was just in because he was Ill like last time, I was excited about seeing Grizzy. I had been to see dani and Gemma before and was a little bit drunk, then I walked into the ward and I was instantly sober, I felt guilty for having had a drink, having laughed, he was just lying there, didn't really say much, was on this oxygen mask thing.. The whe thing kinda threw me, I felt a little better when he asked me "what on earth had I done to my hair this time?" turns out that wast the last thing he ever sId to me.. I wasn't too bad in the hospital, even though it brought up memories of visiting Tom, watching him die.. Then it was when my auntie from England said to me that she was just up for the day, to say goodbye.. That's when I looked around the room, it was my auntie Kate, auntie Clare, Grizzy and me, all sitting round the bed, dad wasn't there, that's what hit me the hardest, I shouldn't have been there, dad should of, it was his own fathers deathbed for christs sake!!!!! Then visiting hours were over and I got stopes off at dani's house and had to try and get ready for a night out, obviously they asked how gramps was and I told them it wasn't looking good, then I phoned dad to tell him I would do anything if it would make him go up to Aberdeen, so ten I had to phone work and ask for time off so I could go and look after the kids while dad went through the next day, I knew I wasnt there to look after the kids I was there to look after dad when he got home, it was hard to have to be the grownup bit I guess you do what you have to.

Then at the funeral I had to hushed and look after dad when he had drank too much wine, considering how drunk I was made it quite difficult but I got there. I know I'm dads strong one, Meghann cries and is a bit forgery, I love her and she can be stubborn and strongwilled if she wants but at things Luke this she doesn't cope well, and Amy is just the baby regardless of how much of a grown up she is these days, and then there's me, I don't cry in public if I can help it , "got to always keep face" as Grizzy ways says, so I stood up there, in front of everyone and did something that was completely against all my beliefs, just to make sure that my grandmother was okay, I read a religious passage from the bible, I was stressing out about it because I really thought I would mess it up, and I felt like such a fraud, standing there infront of all those people talking about something I really didn't believe in, but thats the way it goes I guess..... Overall it was hard, and I sill don't know how feel, I don't think ive actually grieved because I didn't really know him, but it did make me think, one day, possibly not that long away Grizzy is going to die, and I don't want to miss the opportunities I have with her just now because she is an amazing woman and I love her so much.

09.10.11 continued

Im currently supposed to be doing my uni applications for next year, but cant really bring myself to doing it, I hate filling in forms.

Ive narrowed it down to 6 different schools, possibly 7 depending on what The Old Vic email me back saying.

In order of how much I want to go they are

• The Royal Conservatoire of Scotland -Glasgow
• Central School of Speech and Dramatic Arts -London
• Guildhall School of Music and Drama - London
• Liverpool Institute of Performing Arts 
• Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama - Cardiff
• East 15 - Essex

If Im totally honest I would love to go to Central the most but Glasgow doesnt have the £9000 pricetag attached to it and if I get in then purely on a money front I need to go to Glasgow.  Because Fees, plus living in London and travelling expenses if I ever decide to come home or anything mean that I really cant really afford it and Ill have to take out a ridiculous sized loan to pay for it all.

Well I guess thats enough on the procrastination front... off to the merry land of UCAS..

TaTa Lads

09.10.11

Well that totally didn't last.

I feel kind of bad that before I write a post I check where my blog is up to and then kinda back track until everything is up to speed.  But then again, im kinda busy and dont spend that much time on the computer.

Anyway as I was saying. It didn't last, I think deep down I knew it wouldn't. It wasnt really his fault, or my fault or anything, he simply got bored of me. Thats what he told me and I believe him. He told me he was a dick to start with and that he would fuck it up, and I guess he was right about that. I really did hope that he wasnt.

Well on to more recent news.

I went up to Aberdeen on Wednesday. It was really nice to see Gemma and Dani, but I was also really jealous.  It sounds really stupid and I know im doing amazing things and getting to further my career and all that stuff but all i want at the moment is to have my friends about and theyre all up in Aberdeen partying like its 1999 and going to UNI and doing all that stuff and even when I went up, I dunno, its all that being in a three thing does to a group, it was always 2-1 not necassarily the same people but it always seemed to end up like that.  It was quite fun to start with because we were all catching up and we got to see Gems halls and we ordered pizza and made sex on the beach. And then I had to go to the hospital (more on that later) and then when I got back to Dani's halls it was very much a case of me and Gem and Dani and her flatmates. Which I guess would be normal because its dani's routine and stuff but it was still kinda awkward, and it was like that for the rest of the night, well on and off. But I know that I love them both and were still really good friends but it was a little hard at times. 

And Dani and her new boyfriend, - I absolutely love the fact she is really happy and they are totally cute together, would have liked to have spoken to him some more, but I guess I can do that another time :)

It was lovely to speak to Gemma, it felt like I hadnt spoken to her in months even though I spoke to her just before she left for Uni...

I miss those girls, a lot... it even sounds pathetic in my head, but what you gonna do, eh?

Then there is why I was hospital, My grandad is incredibly ill, but before I went up to Aberdeen I didnt know he was in hospital so I didnt think it was that bad, and then I got to hospital and I saw him lying there and  it was horrible, and then when I saw my auntie from England i realised quite how bad it was.  He's got an infection that is attacking his heart that isn't very strong as it is, and before he was admitted to hospital he had 2 medium sized heart attacks.  Because of the condition he heart is in, he is collecting fluid in his lungs and the infection is also attacking his kidneys and essentially his vital organs are shutting down.  I was sitting round his bed, Grizzy and Auntie Kate on one side and Auntie clare on the other and the only person that was really missing was my dad and I think that hurt more than thinking that Gramps was going to die, was thinking my dad might not even make time to see his own father before he died. 

I felt really bad when I got back to Dani's and I had to phone dad and say that I would go look after the kids because I just broke down, Ive never really been that close with Gramps and I didnt even cry when Grampy died but everything seemed to hit me at once, the fact that gramps was dying and dad wasnt there and I really wasnt prepared to deal with it all. I then had to deal with a 20 minute lecture from my work about how I was inconviencing them because I needed time off work to look after Ben and Max for dad.  I stupidly decided that going out and getting drunk was the best way to solve this.


It wasnt.

I got really upset randomly and this guy that I was chatting to who lived in the flat across from Dani had to deal with me crying my eyes out. Gemma came home with me and I dont know if she genuinely wanted to come back or if she was doing it for my benefit but either way Im incredibly grateful because I could see myself being led by that guy and doing something stupid that I wouldve regretted. 

The next day I got up and was in a complete zombie mode. I felt like shit, my eyes didnt want to work and I really didnt want to go back to the hospital, but I did and Im really glad that I did, because  i got to see Grizzy and sit and have a chat with her which was great. Gramps was quite bad that day, and kept saying things that didnt make sense and If im honest there is a big part of me that wouldve been happier not to see it.

He's getting slightly better though, he's off the oxygen, except from when hes sleeping so thats a big step and apparently hes making more sense in what hes saying. - Its all looking a little more hopeful.

04.09.11

Well I'm in Bristol just now with Adam and I dunno, Its fun and stuff, it's just a little bit awkward, We don't really have that much to talk about unless were talking about work-type stuff. But hey ho, its only until tomorrow and then I get to go home :)

Since I last wrote a blog me and Jamie had a massive argument and now we don't speak at all and he is now going out with Gamu. Its a little awkward when we see each other but I just try and avoid him.

There is this other guy that im kind of seeing at the moment.  He is name is Gary and he's a total sweetheart, He claims to be a total badass but its all lies :P He's really not up for a relationship until he properly knows me, which I think is a good idea.. apparently after 3 months were allowed to be seeing each other and then after 6 he'll consider a relationship... I somehow feel that if a relationship is going to happen it'll be by Christmas or around then anyway.... but we shall wait and see, you never know. Haha

Ah well thats my romantic catch up.. on a future point of view, I really have no idea, I didnt get into Uni so Im going to re apply next year and see what happens, in the mean time im just working, doing panto again this year and then maybe going travelling, but you never know.

Anyhoo Byyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D

Catching up..

Just read up on my friends blogs and it actually upset me to realise how much i have missed, not just becuase I left school but becuase I left my friends behind and I didnt appreciate who they were or what they were going through... all I could think about was my life and what I was doing. It hurt me to realise that I wasnt in some peoples fondest memories anymore, even though they mean the world to me and I would do anything I could to get back to the closeness we had a couple of years ago. Yes I am just feeling sorry for myself. But isnt that what these blogs are for...

16.02.11

So yeah, so much for posting more.. I found out I can't blog on my iphone... stupid fault!

Well I feel so much worse now than I did when me and Jamie broke up. Its really stupid because I want jamie back, but i know it wont solve anything, the same thing will just happen again.
So since we split i have slept with jamie 4 times, and it was great, the excitment was back and it was fun.. but the more times we do it the less i know it means to jamie and the more i know it means to me, so ive gone cold turkey... If I can't be friends with jamie then im going to have to learn to live without him... im two days in and crying myself to sleep at night.. what kind of a pityful exsistence is that.. Im going to see him on friday because ive got my friends 21st and ive been looking forward to it for months so im going regardless..and i know im supposed to be staying at his but right now i would really rather just sleep in my car becuase i know as soon as i go into his house one thing will lead to another and ill leave the next day feeling like some dirty whore hes picked up on a night out and doesnt give a shit about... and i know thats not completely the case.. i asked him and he said its not meaningless... but he never said it was meaningful either. I cant let myself get hurt like this so im going to have to shut him out. I really dont want to but if thats the way its gotta be then so be it.. i'll fade myself out of the bofa crowd and ill move on with my life.. hopefully im moving to glasgow in september, i can get some new friends and a new life and not forget this year and a half, but stop it from hurting at least.


Ive decided the great thing about blogs is that they dont judge, the people that read them might, but thats not why the majority of these style of blogs are written, the people that read them are merely spectaters and although their opinion is valid it is not the most important. you can write the same thing over and over and over and they wont get bored or walk off or move on with their life... a blog is there happily saving the words and thoughts for when you want to reflect on life.
Blogs show you life can get better and will get better...
and i know it will.. but that will take time and right now i feel like shite.