its so much easier looking in....

i feel like shit.

simple really
and to be honest i really dont know why, well i think i know why but i dont if that makes sense.

yeah this weekend was good and bad and all banterful at the same time i dunno, i just dunno anymore.

i miss the old days and i know that i shouldn't and that isnt true its not that i miss the old days i miss the days that were simple and i just did what i felt like and i didnt worry about things, not money, not what people thought, not what my parents viewed me as and if theey trusted me, i knew they trusted me.. and everything changed.

i hate change.. it sucks and should be banned.


i haate the fact that i can take other peoples problems and give them a simple solution that will work but when its my problems i sit and i think about them for hours and nothing seems to get any simpler..

everyone keeps telling me i help them but thing is i never feel that way, it doesnt seem to matter how much they tell me they love me and that i help them so much, i have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that they dont really love me, they just think they do.. i'm the most cynical person that i know and i hate it..

the main things that are upsetting me at the moment;

Boyage: WTF?! i dunno what hes about and i dunno whats going through his head, i really want to make it work but i dont know if i can trust him or not and i know that some of my friends say to leave him, but when im with him i dunno, its exciting but i feel totally safe.
its strange and i cnat explain it...

SuperD: i love him... no thats not right because at 15 you rarely feel love, and i duno hes older, hes lovely i dunno if i like him as a friend or more i just know that i really feel safe around him and that hes leaving..

everyone is leaving.. well not everyone is leaving its a total over exageration, it feels like everyones leaving me behind...

shes ill, she might be really ill, they dont know, its horrible not knowing i think if i knew it would help.. but i dunno. i hate not being able to talk about it but i promised and thats one promise im not going to break. not now not ever...

my dad.. i love him so much yet its so hard. its like i want to agree with you because thats what ive grownup believing, daddys always right and now when i do disagree its like, i must be wrong, dad always knows better.. and hes being so harsh i dont know what to do, its like i do a job and its never good enough, never ever.. i know he loves me so much but there is always more that i need to do.... i think in his head i have the ablities of someone who is older... and when i make some stpid mistake he comes down on me like a ton o bricks and i just want to turn and scream at him, im only 15!!! leave me alone im gonna make mistakes and i know as soon as ive made them that its wrong.. but hey i suppose thats what i get for acting older than i am...


well i have so much more i want to say but im really really tired so maybe ill write more another day

love you
X