Hiya pals!!
So I've been in pantoland for the last month or so, and havent really done anything out with the people that are involved in that, so not really much news.
I had another iffy moment a couple of weeks ago on the show when I was doing everything wrong and was feeling like i'd made the wrong decision and I shouldn't be a Stage Manager, but I got a massive pep talk from Sean and Kay (my DSM) and I kinda feel better now, still dont know if im cut out for it, but we shall see :)
So it's Christmas, doesnt really feel like it, I kinda feel like a grown up now, cause I got in from work on Xmas Eve, had some drinks with my parents then went to bed, had no trouble sleeping, got pissed off when i was woken up (at 10am!) to open presents, wasnt that excited about anything that was going on really, had a nap in the afternoon and now im in bed, totally dreading the fact that I have to go to work again tomorrow....
but hey, tis money and its an amazing job that I know quite a number of people would kill for so I cant really complain.
Today also made me think of last year and how absolutely everything was completely different. I was still with Jamie, we had a really quiet christmas, I went to his parents and had a really nice day, regardless of the fact I was stupidly ill and me and jamie were pretty much falling apart, but everything was lovely. I didnt want panto to end, and all in all I would say that I was pretty happy. And Im not saying Im not happy this year but its just a very different experience,
I know it sounds really stupid and I know I shouldnt let Lads define me but I do miss having a boyfriend, having someone who takes an interest in your day and you can text all the time and you never run out of things to say to each other and will randomly do things to make you smile, and just the amount of attention you get from that one person, like you are the most important thing to them.
BUT!
Todays blog wasnt supposed to be depressing and shit, its CHRISTMAS for christsake, Alex Day got number 4 in the charts, I had my family round, I got completely spoilt with presents, and generally I had a lovely day, and I really hope that you guys had a nice day as well.
And I guess all I have left to say now is..
Happy Christmas and Merry New Year <3
Monday 26 December 2011
Monday 5 December 2011
So lads... It's been some time
Hiya pals.
It's been a while since I wrote and tbh I know that I'm really only writing to one person, and sometimes I really want to go for it and as you say, 'just blog it' but I always manage to find excuses, I'm too tired, I'm too busy, I wouldn't know what to write. I know it's just excuses but I feel I should tell you what's going on in my head because for some reason this blog, you, without ever commenting or mentioning a thing somehow make me feel better, purely because I know you're there and you read it.
I guess I should go back a bit, put some form of context into it all.
There are a number of things I guess I want to talk about, I thought I would do it in time order but that doesn't seem to be the way my brain wants to work today.
Gramps funeral/dying
I didn't know. I guenuinly didn't know he was that I'll, I didn't know he was in hospital, I knew nothing. I just said to meg that I was going to Aberdeen. To visit for the night and she was all, oh are you going to see gramps, I had no idea what she was on about, I had been so busy with sound of music that no one had thought to tell me that gramps was in hospital, like I know we hadn't been close, but still everyone else knew, but no one thought to tell me. Then I went to Aberdeen, we went into the hospital, I was in quite good spirits tbh, I thought he was just in because he was Ill like last time, I was excited about seeing Grizzy. I had been to see dani and Gemma before and was a little bit drunk, then I walked into the ward and I was instantly sober, I felt guilty for having had a drink, having laughed, he was just lying there, didn't really say much, was on this oxygen mask thing.. The whe thing kinda threw me, I felt a little better when he asked me "what on earth had I done to my hair this time?" turns out that wast the last thing he ever sId to me.. I wasn't too bad in the hospital, even though it brought up memories of visiting Tom, watching him die.. Then it was when my auntie from England said to me that she was just up for the day, to say goodbye.. That's when I looked around the room, it was my auntie Kate, auntie Clare, Grizzy and me, all sitting round the bed, dad wasn't there, that's what hit me the hardest, I shouldn't have been there, dad should of, it was his own fathers deathbed for christs sake!!!!! Then visiting hours were over and I got stopes off at dani's house and had to try and get ready for a night out, obviously they asked how gramps was and I told them it wasn't looking good, then I phoned dad to tell him I would do anything if it would make him go up to Aberdeen, so ten I had to phone work and ask for time off so I could go and look after the kids while dad went through the next day, I knew I wasnt there to look after the kids I was there to look after dad when he got home, it was hard to have to be the grownup bit I guess you do what you have to.
Then at the funeral I had to hushed and look after dad when he had drank too much wine, considering how drunk I was made it quite difficult but I got there. I know I'm dads strong one, Meghann cries and is a bit forgery, I love her and she can be stubborn and strongwilled if she wants but at things Luke this she doesn't cope well, and Amy is just the baby regardless of how much of a grown up she is these days, and then there's me, I don't cry in public if I can help it , "got to always keep face" as Grizzy ways says, so I stood up there, in front of everyone and did something that was completely against all my beliefs, just to make sure that my grandmother was okay, I read a religious passage from the bible, I was stressing out about it because I really thought I would mess it up, and I felt like such a fraud, standing there infront of all those people talking about something I really didn't believe in, but thats the way it goes I guess..... Overall it was hard, and I sill don't know how feel, I don't think ive actually grieved because I didn't really know him, but it did make me think, one day, possibly not that long away Grizzy is going to die, and I don't want to miss the opportunities I have with her just now because she is an amazing woman and I love her so much.
It's been a while since I wrote and tbh I know that I'm really only writing to one person, and sometimes I really want to go for it and as you say, 'just blog it' but I always manage to find excuses, I'm too tired, I'm too busy, I wouldn't know what to write. I know it's just excuses but I feel I should tell you what's going on in my head because for some reason this blog, you, without ever commenting or mentioning a thing somehow make me feel better, purely because I know you're there and you read it.
I guess I should go back a bit, put some form of context into it all.
There are a number of things I guess I want to talk about, I thought I would do it in time order but that doesn't seem to be the way my brain wants to work today.
Gramps funeral/dying
I didn't know. I guenuinly didn't know he was that I'll, I didn't know he was in hospital, I knew nothing. I just said to meg that I was going to Aberdeen. To visit for the night and she was all, oh are you going to see gramps, I had no idea what she was on about, I had been so busy with sound of music that no one had thought to tell me that gramps was in hospital, like I know we hadn't been close, but still everyone else knew, but no one thought to tell me. Then I went to Aberdeen, we went into the hospital, I was in quite good spirits tbh, I thought he was just in because he was Ill like last time, I was excited about seeing Grizzy. I had been to see dani and Gemma before and was a little bit drunk, then I walked into the ward and I was instantly sober, I felt guilty for having had a drink, having laughed, he was just lying there, didn't really say much, was on this oxygen mask thing.. The whe thing kinda threw me, I felt a little better when he asked me "what on earth had I done to my hair this time?" turns out that wast the last thing he ever sId to me.. I wasn't too bad in the hospital, even though it brought up memories of visiting Tom, watching him die.. Then it was when my auntie from England said to me that she was just up for the day, to say goodbye.. That's when I looked around the room, it was my auntie Kate, auntie Clare, Grizzy and me, all sitting round the bed, dad wasn't there, that's what hit me the hardest, I shouldn't have been there, dad should of, it was his own fathers deathbed for christs sake!!!!! Then visiting hours were over and I got stopes off at dani's house and had to try and get ready for a night out, obviously they asked how gramps was and I told them it wasn't looking good, then I phoned dad to tell him I would do anything if it would make him go up to Aberdeen, so ten I had to phone work and ask for time off so I could go and look after the kids while dad went through the next day, I knew I wasnt there to look after the kids I was there to look after dad when he got home, it was hard to have to be the grownup bit I guess you do what you have to.
Then at the funeral I had to hushed and look after dad when he had drank too much wine, considering how drunk I was made it quite difficult but I got there. I know I'm dads strong one, Meghann cries and is a bit forgery, I love her and she can be stubborn and strongwilled if she wants but at things Luke this she doesn't cope well, and Amy is just the baby regardless of how much of a grown up she is these days, and then there's me, I don't cry in public if I can help it , "got to always keep face" as Grizzy ways says, so I stood up there, in front of everyone and did something that was completely against all my beliefs, just to make sure that my grandmother was okay, I read a religious passage from the bible, I was stressing out about it because I really thought I would mess it up, and I felt like such a fraud, standing there infront of all those people talking about something I really didn't believe in, but thats the way it goes I guess..... Overall it was hard, and I sill don't know how feel, I don't think ive actually grieved because I didn't really know him, but it did make me think, one day, possibly not that long away Grizzy is going to die, and I don't want to miss the opportunities I have with her just now because she is an amazing woman and I love her so much.
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